Hai E-Maili Paianes
As published (except that in the web version they forgot the "pre-formatted" tag at the end...) in Yahoo! Internet Life, September 2000
Re: Paean: E-mail From: BILL BLYWhat could be KEWLER than e-mail?
It dominates distance discourse:
long gone the notched stick, the knotted string,
the stylus, the quill, the deckle-edged vellum,
the signal fire, the flapping flag,
the sparking wire of the dit-dit-dahs;
e-mail is outpaced, for the nonce,
only by the phone on the desk
and the stick upside the head on the street.
Who saw e-mail coming?
Its humble origin as mere caption
for files shared on the rickety old ARPANET
gave only the slightest hint of wonders to come:
Here's the specs on the bug-zapper we wired
into
the space-time continuum distorter last night.
Well, this morning. Um, half an hour ago.
Check the math before you fire it up
(we just couldn't face it), and
be sure to wear a cup...
Most technology, we're told,
Begins as toy or weapon;
E-mail, as we know, can be both
(whatever else it is or yet will be).
What gizmo from FAO Schwarz could ever eat up
so many hours of every day?
What hobby, sport, or pastime --
or, for that matter,
what job, career, or life-long mission
(outside the convent, and not all of them...)
could ever so utterly enthrall?
And your boss is shakin' about
this weapon of mass communication at your fingertips;
he's got the IT geeks, the FBI,
CIA, NSA, MIF and Microsoft all scrambling
to keep up with your correspondence,
but he'll never stanch the flow:
e-mail, like water (or love, or blood)
just goes around whatever's in the way.
If he'd only learn to type,
he could be partying right now! --
with you and your friends, co-cubies,
and yes, your customers and headhunters,
gabbing about what's really going on,
how things really work (and don't)
thickening the cyberair with stupid jokes,
smart jokes, weird trivia, wooden leg sermons,
top-ten lists, daffy definitions, and Darwin Awards,
-- but also perfuming the noosphere with a myriad
rare blossoms of information.
You learn unexpected things:
Short takes long
Easy is hard
E-mail wears a hat, and sometimes shoes
Questions no one ever thought of before e-mail begin
to haunt you:
If a bcc: is blind, how'd it find me?
What is the sound of one hand typing?
Um, what's the etymology of the word um?
You wonder about the evolutionary value of emoticons.
These, for example:
B:-) wearing glasses on head
d8= beaver wearing goggles and
a hard hat
:-[ vampire
:-E bucktoothed vampire
:-F bucktoothed vampire
with one tooth missing 1
But listen.
This is really important:
this urgency to speak, to tell,
to make, to give, to pass along;
also to listen, to learn, to seek, to find --
to have? to hold? no, these miss the point...
it's more like poetry or music
(only less gussied-up):
the folk-tune whistled by the shoe-shine guy
or the smart-ass crack that breaks up a fight.
Of course it's fugitive, the speeling's terible
d styapo3s rq4mpoant & the apologies profuse: we gotta
hurry -- something's gaining on us & we think it might be
FREEDOM!!! -- 'r else the boss's door just opened...
The Paean was sung and danced by ancient Greeks
to hop themselves up before running into battle.
Since e-mail, however eloquent and agile in its message,
is in its medium yet silent and still, herewith this kludge,
from the attendant spirit of E-mail, to inspire your charge
into the battle to get where you belong:
Mr Ascii does Tai Chi. 2
(o) ox (o_, o_,
o o o
o_,
) )' )_,
)_' )\ ), <)
) '
>\ >^' >
> ' >} >^ >~'
/ >
Credits: 1) Bronwen & Claire's Really
Huge Emoticon Collection! [http://www.angelfire.com/hi/hahakiam/emoticon.html]
2) A forward. Thanks to the creator, wherever you
are.
______________________________________________
Bill Bly is a poet and the author of the hypertext novel We
Descend and the forthcoming Wyrmes Mete.
As originally submitted:
PAIAN: E-MAILby Bill Bly
What could be KEWLER than e-mail?
It dominates distance discourse:
long gone the notched stick, the knotted string,
the stylus, the quill, the deckle-edged vellum,
the signal fire, the flapping flag,
the sparking wire of the dit-dit-dahs;
e-mail is outpaced, for the nonce,
only by the phone on the desk
and the stick upside the head on the street.
Who saw e-mail coming?
Its humble origin as mere caption
for files shared on the rickety old ARPANET
gave only the slightest hint of wonders to come:
Here's the specs on the
bug-zapper we wired into
the space-time continuum
distorter last night.
Well, this morning. Um,
half an hour ago.
Check the math before you
fire it up
(we just couldn't face it),
and
be sure to wear a cup...
Most technology, we're told,
Begins as toy or weapon;
E-mail, as we know, can be both
(whatever else it is or yet will be).
What gizmo from FAO Schwarz could ever eat up
so many hours of *every* day?
What hobby, sport, or pastime --
or, for that matter,
what job, career, or life-long mission
(outside the convent, and not all of them...)
could ever so utterly enthrall?
And your boss is *shakin'* about
this weapon of mass communication at your fingertips;
he's got the IT geeks, the FBI,
CIA, NSA, MIF and Microsoft all scrambling
to keep up with your correspondence,
but he'll never stanch the flow:
e-mail, like water (or love, or blood)
just goes around whatever's in the way.
If he'd only learn to type,
he could be partying right now! --
with you and your friends, co-cubies,
and yes, your customers and headhunters,
gabbing about what's *really* going on,
how things *really* work (and don't)
thickening the cyberair with stupid jokes,
smart jokes, weird trivia, wooden leg sermons,
top-ten lists, daffy definitions, and Darwin Awards,
-- but also perfuming the noosphere with a myriad
rare blossom of information.
You learn unexpected things:
Short takes long
Easy is hard
E-mail wears a hat, and
sometimes shoes
Plain text says it best,
especially the plain part of the text
(though this can be debated)
Questions no one ever thought of before e-mail begin
to haunt you:
What's the first "c" in
"cc:" stand for?
If a "bcc:" is blind, how'd
it find me?
What is the sound of one
hand typing?
Um, what's the etymology
of the word "um"?
You wonder about the evolutionary value of emoticons.
These, for example:
:-9 yum!
B:-) wearing glasses on
head
d8= beaver wearing goggles
and a hard hat
:-[ vampire
:-] happy vampire
:-E bucktoothed vampire
:-F bucktoothed vampire
with one tooth missing [1]
And if you're lucky, one day
you'll be blessed by a visitation
from the attendant spirit of E-mail:
Mr Ascii does Tai Chi.
> (o)
ox (o_, o_, o
o o o_,
> )
)' )_, )_' )\
), <) ) '
> >\
>^' > > ' >}
>^ >~' / > [2]
>
But listen.
This is really important:
this urgency to speak, to tell,
to make, to give, to pass along;
also to listen, to learn, to seek, to find --
to have? to hold? no, these miss the point...
it's more like poetry or music
(only less gussied-up):
the folk-tune whistled by the shoe-shine guy
or the smart-ass crack that breaks up a fight.
Of course it's fugitive,
the speeling's terible
d styapo3s rq4mpoant
& the apologies profuse:
we gotta hurry --
something's gaining on us
& we think it might be FREEDOM!!!
-- 'r else the boss's door just opened...
The Paian was sung and danced by ancient Greeks
to hop themselves up before running into battle.
Since e-mail, however eloquent and agile in its message,
is in its medium yet silent and still,
herewith this kludge, to inspire
your charge into the battle to get where you belong:
Mr Ascii does the Macarena.
o
o o
o o
o <o <o>
^|\
^|^ v|^ v|v
|/v |X| \|
|
/\ >\ /<
>\ /< >\
/< >\
o>
o o
o o
o o
o
\ x </
<|> </> <\>
<)> |\
/<
>\ /< >\
/< >\
>> L [3]
[Roll Credits:]
[1] Bronwen & Claire's Really Huge Emoticon Collection!
http://www.angelfire.com/hi/hahakiam/emoticon.html
[2] Angle brackets in the left margin are the
best I can do by way of
documenting the source --
i.e., got it as a forward.
[3] (c) 1997 Robert Joseph Honan
http://www.harbornet.com/folks/honan/Maceroni.html
Used with permission.
______________________________________________
(c) 2000 Bill Bly
Last updated: 2 October 2000